Monday, July 12, 2010

On Dating a Giver


Sent to you by moya via Google Reader:


via New Model Minority by Renina on 7/11/10

^^^ #NomNomNominaction

For Josephine & For

Oooh, Uh Ohhh Dropped your knot, scooped it up put in my sock… ~e. badu

I turned around and I realized that I am dating a giver.

Someone who never lets my IPA get too low,  who makes sure the waitress brings my water with no ice, who understands that I am a monster until I have that iced coffee in the morning, someone who sent me  a text message last week that said "groceries bought." #ummp.

This was hard to do at first.

I enjoy my freedom.

As women we are socialized to get with the most affluent, attractive person that we meet.  So when all the niceness was getting thick, I was like wait, does this mean I am WITH this person now?

I thought about it, and I have decided to enjoy the attention AND maintain my autonomy.

For me to enjoy this kind of attention, at my own pace and keep my freedom is new and I often don't know what I am doing. When I admit that though, I remind myself that I am a human being and that I don't have to be perfect.

I mean, I spoke at the Black Arts Festival in Philly in May and the man came down to meet me and then coordinated his ticket so we could leave Philly together. Who does this? Really?

Him: Yeah, I'll come see you. Let me know.

Me: You gone come all the way to Philly to marinate with me?

Him: Yeah, just let me know.


A month ago, speaking to Court Bear, my dating coach and sister, about my desire to run she said, unlace the sneakers, stay still and enjoy it.

It felt good to hear her say that. I mean, the only reason to run from a person treating you nice is because you are scared they are going to leave.

And because I KNOW that I don't control outcomes, me running would only hurt myself. Not very vulnerable or fearless either.

Speaking to Josephine about it, we were discussing what it means to be desired and just cared for on g.p. and how odd it can feel because as women in general and Black women specifically we are socialized to put everyone else first; Our momma's, our children, our partners, our jobs.

Never us.

So to be on the receiving end of some care is both comforting and challenging.

Its comforting because its nice when someone makes a snack that YOU like, that YOU can't wait to eat. Not eating on some obligatory steez, but on some, I REALLY LIKE THIS, nom, nom, nom, and MORE nom.

Its challenging because it has forced me to think about what kind of treatment I have accepted in the past, and the kind of treatment that I will require in the future. There is also the challenge of not comparing how one person treats me versus another, in terms of levels of consideration while dating. I can't help it sometimes tho'.

You date a giver before?

Were you the giver?

You run? You stay?

How did it feel?

Related posts:

  1. E-Dating for Dummies.
  2. Dating Sans Patriarchy: A Black Man is not His Paycheck
  3. Dating with Contracts


Things you can do from here:



Pan African Bourgie Princess said...

Thank you so much for this! It was simply put and reflects a post I wrote this weekend. No more relationship roller blades for me... well maybe I'll trade them in for sneakers, at least.

yatin said...

I don't want to be date with a looser . As dating is a pleasing activity and should be wonderful and memorable.
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