Sent to you by moya via Google Reader:
via ENVISION THIS! by Yolo on 5/16/10
I love this song. Every time I hear it it's like a celebration to me. It helps me to remember and affirm all the love that I have shared and all the love that I have been given in my lifetime. It helps me to remember and reflect on all the poor choices I've made in love and all the crazy, mixed up situations I have gotten myself into. It makes me realize that I have learned so much and makes me grateful because I know I have so much more to learn.
Respecting the power of love is no joke. Like myself, many of us are often "victims of foolish thinking" as Stephanie Mills says. We often carelessly "Risk our love and our lives." But why? Why so much pain suffering and confusion? Well, one of the things I have learned is that so much of what we have been taught and have not been taught about relationships creates alot of suffering. When I look back on my life; had I had the ideas and understandings of love that I have now, had I had someone to share with me what they knew-there would have been so much pain I could have avoided. So much less struggle I would have had to go through.
And So today I wanted to share some of things that I've learned with you. Some of them you may know and some of them may be new to you. Yet in the slight chance that they may be helpful; I have decided to share.
I hope you enjoy:
1. You are not responsible for your partners infidelity: I remember as a young person believing this. Believing that if he broke our agreement on a monogamous relationship that it was really because of me. Because of something I was not doing right. Because i was not "taking care of home." His infidelity was always linked to the idea that I had an inadequacy. And it was my inadequacy which was the problem.
As I grew older I realized, a man or woman's choice to break a monogamous relationship agreement (cheat) is about them and them alone. Their choice to cheat is reflective of them and not the partner who is being "cheated" on. If the person who cheats has challenges with the relationship, is not being fulfilled in the relationship, or is just having challenges with monogamy as a construct; then it's up to them to communicate that challenge maturely and directly. Their choice to not communicate it and work through it; but instead cheat and then place the responsibility for their own behavior on the other partner; is, I believe, both abusive and violent.
A partners dishonesty in a relationship is about their own issues &challenges. It's important for people who have been cheated on to recognize that and not internalize it as being about their own worth/or unworthiness.
2. We Come to Relationships to Work out Old Wounds:
I think the more we understand this the easier our relationships can become. We have to understand that our attractions to our partners are often connected to childhood trauma and past experiences. Romantic Relationships ( and relationships of all kinds) offer us the opportunity to heal those wounds by challenging us with similar situations in the present. Study your relationships. Their are patterns in them. Learn the patterns and how you respond to them. Review your upbringing. What were the things you needed emotionally/physical/spiritually as a child that you felt were not present? What are the pains you experienced? Connect the dots: are their any parallels between your upbringing dynamics and the dynamics in your relationships now?
And if there are, it's important not to just see them and make excuses for them: Like "Well I had this experience as a child, so I always do this..etc" but instead look at the situation and ask yourself what is being asked of me to shift this dynamic? What is being asked of me to heal this wound? Do you attract partners who dis-respect boundaries? Is the challenge for you to learn to create boundaries then?
Do you attract partners that do similar things as your primary caregivers as a child did? What is being asked of you to learn in this relationship? What is the opportunity for growth here?
4. Stretching beyond your version of reality.
Non romantic friends often uplift our ego's and validate our sense of self. Romantic partners however, often challenge our sense of self because they bring a starkly different reality and worldview. Romantic Relationships are an opportunity often for us to get out of our heads and our narratives and be present with someone else's experiences and narrative. The universe is always intentional. The people who we attract often "rub our wounds" because I believe that is the universe's way of saying "hey-you know this scar right here? You still have not attended to this..."
Remember that your version of reality, while valid and real, is just your version of reality. Your partner and all people will experience reality differently based on their own history, trauma and wounds. Relationships are often radical opportunities to get out of our own heads and see things from someone else's perspective. If we can learn to do that, we can get through alot in our relationships.
5. We Often Have Many Relationship with the Same people:
We will often attract the same kind of woman, the same kind of man in the same dynamics; until we as individuals learn what it is we need to do with ourselves to work through those dynamics.
The one thing you have to realize is that the only common denominator in all your drama is you. In order to change the equation you have to go to work within. Get support. Get help from a therapist, a counselor-or seek support in books. Iyanla Vanzant, Kate Bornstein, Rob Brezsny, Thich Nhat Hahn, Susan Taylor are some of my favorites. You can look them up or just find something that works for you.
Whatever you do. Do personal "work" with yourself. Journal about your life. Reflect on your experiences. It can make a world of difference.
These are just some of the things I am learning and have learned. And there will always be more to share. Always. Life is a journey encouraging us to always respect the power of love. I hope these may be helpful in your own journey. Cause You are Love. You just have to remember.
In love & peace