Sent to you by moya via Google Reader:
When I say I've had physical altercations with dudes more times than I can count, some people look at me funny.
And then I get self conscious.
I wonder what's wrong with me.
I wonder if I have some bullseye on my forehead.
But then I remember how men (especially the marginalized ones ) hate feeling like a woman is looking down on them. So when I'm curt in turning them down, blank stare, no shrinking, hunching shoulders…they feel the need to assert themselves. (and I feel the need to not back down.)
And when I see another woman shrinking under male intimidation, I ask if she's ok. Or I go straight to the shoving, punching, and pulling her away if it's serious.
Dudes don't react kindly to that.
A drunk guy tried to choke me once because, 6 months earlier, I refused to dance with him.
We were at a party. In a crowded room. The only one to help me was another woman, my friend. The men stood and watched. He didn't let go until he saw me pulling back a knee.. One guy (a friend) told me, "Well, you shouldn't mess around with guys like that."
But I didn't. I didn't even know his name. That was the problem.
It's when I refuse to "mess around" with guys that they turn violent. When I don't acquiesce to the ass grabs, wrist pulls, ay mamas, that ish gets real.
But the part that scares me the most is when I look forward to it. When I walk down the street and silently dare them to say something. Because I want a reason to pull out my knife, or maybe just threaten to. So I can watch surprise and fear wash over his face. It's better than that smug snarl. And if they're gonna be gawking at me, I'd rather it be because two grown men are holding me back from clawing out your eyes.
I know it's maybe not healthy to relish the feeling of being consumed by rage. But it is so addictive (and oddly peaceful..) that place I go where there is no fear, no future, no tomorrow, no crushing hopeless love for you. you who are a part of me. you who have to kill me over and over just to feel like you matter..
It feels good, forgetting the heartbreak.
Just soothing, empty, rage.